Dear Blake and Genevieve, Mother’s day is tomorrow and there is something I wanted to say. The mom you know me as today is not the person I always was. Before I had you,I was fearless. I had no self doubt, no anxiety, and definitely did not worry about what other people thought of me. I always did exactly what I wanted and if someone did not like it, it was their problem.
Now, I see you two looking up at me to be that fearless woman and sometimes I just don’t know how. Believe me, I am getting stronger everyday and caring less about society as my second skin grows back, but I am trying. How did it happen? How did I lose sight of who I was? I think most moms often wonder this exact same thing.
When you become parents, you forget who you are because you are responsible for someone else’s life. In my case, it is the two of you. I have a constant struggle between what society thinks is a good parent and me trying to do everything I can and feeling insufficient.
Moms today have the hardest time just being moms. The judgment we receive by everyone is unacceptable and it needs to change. If either of you decide to be parents a long time from now, here is my advice to you: hold your ground. Don’t give up. Don’t let someone tell YOU what is best for YOUR child. Know you are doing the best you can even if you feel like you are failing. Give all the hugs and kisses in the world because they make everything better. And most importantly, just live and be happy. Your kids will love you whether you breastfeed or not, give them organic food or not, if you work or stay home, and the list goes on. They are just happy being with you.
I am your mom and I want you to know that I struggle constantly with anxiety, self doubt, and guilt for not being here enough, for doing enough, for not loving you enough, not reading to you enough, not playing with you enough. And then, after I drive myself into a guilt/anxiety attack and come to terms with things I realize: Who said its not enough? Some judgmental person who doesn’t know my life? Why do I do this to myself? It needs to stop TODAY and it WILL. I promise to be the best mom I can be by my standards and I love you both.